Sticks, Bad Guys, & Guns Oh My! Playful Aggression in Early Childhood

“Put that down!”
“No sticks!”
“Don’t throw that!”
“No pretending that’s a gun!”
“Sticks are dangerous!”
“We don’t play guns!”
“We don’t play bad guys!”
“We don’t play jail!”

…and many more I’m sure you can add.

Have you found yourself saying that? As someone who started her early education career in a large traditional daycare center I have definitely been guilty of these comments, especially the no gun play or aggressive play comments.  It seems that there is a standard rule nowadays that we don’t let kids play with sticks because they may be dangerous, we don’t let kids play pretend guns because real guns are dangerous, and we don’t let kids play superheroes or policemen because they include bad guys or aggression.  As I moved on in my career and I learned more and more about child development, play therapy, and what children are getting out of these behaviors my stance on this type of play has changed.

Unlike the majority I am that parent (and provider), the one that does let her child engage in these bad vs good games and play with ‘dangerous’ items like sticks or pretend guns.

I know when it comes to hot button parenting issues this is at the top, right along with allowing kids to take risks, immunizations, and spanking.  I’ve been “educated” enough times at the playground by random other moms who’s kids are playing nearby, informing me that I’m promoting violence and teaching MB (and the daycare kids) that it’s ok to hurt others, so I realize that not everyone believes this or respects others that do.

There has been no conclusive studies that actually link aggressive play in early childhood to violence in adulthood.  My kids also love to play pirates, running from play structure to play structure “capturing” ships and burying treasure, but I’m fairly confident none of them will end up off the coast of Somalia kidnapping sailors and looting ships in adulthood.

To me it comes down three things: supervision, how they handle the playful activities, and their actual behaviors. I keep a very close eye on these games and observe how they handle them.  I generally ask myself the following questions:  Are they all having fun and getting along? Are they paying attention to how one another is feeling in the situation? If someone gets upset or hurt do they stop? Are they physically/emotionally matched (ie two 5yr olds or a 5yr old and a toddler)? Is one person always in the same roll of “bad” or “good” guy? The answers to these help me determine if it’s important play taking place or a situation where I need to step in.

Its not about violence and aggression to children.  They aren’t seeking to purposefully hurt and destroy the other children while enjoying every moment of their suffering.  I’m sure there are people that will say there are children that do act this way and maybe there are, but to the majority of children aggressive play is just that, play.

Good guy vs bad guy play teaches children about empathy, compassion, and morality; it helps them grapple with and overcome fears through safe pretend play.  They get to explore different roles and learn to be aware of feelings and emotions of others.  Gun, weapon, and stick play are part of this, kids will find anything to make props from, it’s part of their learning and imagination process. Stick play also helps children explore loose parts and learn spatial awareness.

As a daycare provider I always discuss this, as well as my stance on risk taking behaviors, with parents prior to enrolling their children. I’ve never had a parent not enroll their child over this issue, but I am not naïve and I understand many parents do not feel this way.  I also realize that the so called  “helicopter” parenting styles are on the rise and I may have a parent in the future chooses not to enroll over my stance on this but to me it’s OK.  I don’t take clients where I feel our ideas on early childhood behaviors are too far apart.  I want a cohesive environment for all.  Thankfully I generally attract parents that have similar values because of the program I offer and my advertising practices.

My kids know there are rules when playing these games and generally do not get out of hand but I am always near by to supervise and intervene if needed.  I do monitor and adjust when I allow them to play these games based on where we are or who is around us. At places like the park I generally end up watching both the children and the other parents to decide it it’s a good fit or not when the kids start playing this way.  If it seems another parent is getting nervous or concerned sometimes I will disengage my crew from their child and we’ll move on to a different area where the kids can freely play how they want.

Just as I know the helicopter parents across the playground think I’m completely insane, I also think they are insane for hovering and micromanaging but neither of us will see eye to eye and it’s ok. We may not agree but generally we both want the same things, a safe and happy childhood.

What’s your take?